Unhappy and exhausted- I’d hardly slept in 5 years this was one of many punishments for my many failings It could be not asking for permission to turn a light on, speaking too quietly, breathing too loud, failing to complete one of 60 errands to be done in a week. The more I tried- the more I failed it was getting worse every minute of the day trying to survive and make it through- only to relive this again the next day, on and on it goes-he is relentless.
” Something had to change it was only a matter of time- would I be killed by my own hand or the abusers “
I made the decision to hire a storage locker and I started to put a few things in there important documents, bank statements, passport and work certificates. My plan was to take some clothes and whatever else I may need in preparation for when I would eventually leave him.
From the hall to the door it is 5 steps-it takes only a few seconds to take these steps. I never imagined taking these 5 steps would be the hardest steps I would take in my life. It took 3 hours for me to take these 5 steps. Subjected to emotional & psychological abuse and physically restrained to prevent me from leaving. I was allowed one phone call- I didn’t get to choose who the call could be made to- nor could I make the call- the abuser (he) did this.
He made the call to his mother- whilst I was being restrained by his father. Updating her what was happening he calmly looked at me “Can you hear her she is hysterical and she is smashing the place up” The shock of what was happening to me and they were all in this together. I wasn’t mentally insane like they had all been telling me. I didn’t know how I was going to get out- I believed I would and I did.
In hindsight-what would I have done differently in leaving ?
Reflecting back- Leaving an abuser safety is at a greater risk they will try to prevent you from leaving. No one knew what was happening to me. I did not have a safety exit plan. On reflection I did need a safety plan and I think it would have helped me.
How to prepare and leave safely ?
Women’s Aid Charity – safety plan click on the link below.
If you are experiencing abuse or know someone who is experiencing abuse and needs help and support in England
Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247
Immediate danger dial 999 ask for the POLICE
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