Life was unbearable-I made the decision within myself to limit and stop communicating. What was the point- whenever I spoke the response I was greeted with-was always with burning anger and sheer contempt at me for daring to give air to my voice. I would question to myself, “What is the point to my life? ”
“My worthlessness weighed far more than my worth”
The thought of continuing to live this life was too much to bear. Sadness, pain and tears. There is no release, no let up- its is constant day and night. Every day I try and as hard as I try, I fail. I will never get it right-I am reminded daily of my constant failings as woman and as a wife. Trying to survive- I cling on for dear life -what I am clinging on to, in the hope that it will somehow get better? It isn’t, its getting worse. It was only a matter of time which hand would it be his or mine that takes me away from the pain of this life.
I gave myself a time frame of 12 Months for my life to somehow change, if not then I would start to make arrangements for my own funeral.
A week later my life significantly changed- I never thought that taking 5 steps from the hall to the front door would be the most traumatic and hardest steps I would ever take, physically and psychologically. Desperately trying to survive 3 hours, during these hours I was constantly verbally reminded of my worthlessness not by one person but 3 people. It was during this traumatic time my worth became visible to myself.
Words are powerful- they can hurt deep within us and they also give hope and strength when we most need it. The power of one word it helped me through this traumatic time. I had a piece of paper which I kept hidden tucked inside my trouser pocket I wrote on this what I wanted in life and all I wanted to be, was “Happy”
Finding my happiness felt like it was far away- all I had was the language of tears. I desperately needed to talk but found it incredibly difficult to express what I wanted to say. Sat opposite my counsellor witnessing my pain, shame, guilt and all that I feared they sat with me. They listened to me- they heard me. To not be judged they presented me with empathy and to walk beside me on my difficult painful journey this gave me the courage to safely explore who I am and the confidence to create change within myself.
I have grown in so many ways as a person than I could ever image, finding my voice and living the life I was always meant to have one filled with unconditonal love and laughter.
If you recognise similarities in your own life and need to talk to someone please call Samaritans 116 123
Please know -your feelings are valid and you matter.
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